This past weekend was our youth group's annual trip to Baltimore for Acquire the Fire. Last year was a blast. I had just gotten back from Finland and had seen God do some amazing things. Just getting home was a miracle alone! That was a hard time but somehow I never forgot the grace of God on my life to help lead a school. This year was much different though. Being a "youth leader", I always just assume that I am there for God to use me to invest into these kids and that I'm lucky to get something out of it, but this year was the total opposite. Two thousand twelve has not had the smoothest start to say the least. It seems to be just one thing after another. Really though if I think about it, life has just been one thing after the other. I guess that's just how it is, so why in this round of blows am I choosing to deal differently? For some reason this time around I've forgotten how to keep Him at the center.
Recently I found myself completely burned out. The month of April was booked solid and at times I had double booked myself. I met with one of my best friends and told her I just couldn't do it anymore. I was just too exhausted. I was just saying "yes" to everything because somehow I always find a legit reason for my answer. What I didn't realize was that by doing this to myself, I was constantly giving and giving and giving but never allowing myself time to fill back up. What happens when you don't allow time for God to speak into your life and define who you are? You start to listen to who people say you are. They begin to define you and you take on the identity that other people say you should have and because you don't allow the time to get your identity from God, you lose yourself. That is exactly what happened to me.
I've known what I was made for since the age of 13. Even before I allowed Him to be a part of my life something in me always had a longing to do this one thing, though I never told anyone. To this day, there are few who know me well enough to know what I'm made for. I believe for a time it was God's way of protecting me, but now it's time to step into my identity. God has been speaking to me over the past couple of weeks about who I am but I have been trying to block it out. I'm too afraid to face it. My reason: Fear of Failure. I'm so scared that I will mess it up. That I will let myself get in the way of what He wants to do. I know myself, without Him I'm weak. I cave under pressure and because I know myself, I don't trust myself. I simply look at my decisions these past few months and am completely baffled at why God would ever want to use me! What I always seems to forget though is that He trusts me. Friday night as we walked into the stadium, immediately He began speaking truth to me and immediately I rolled my eyes (yes, I do roll my eyes at God...He can take it). Throughout the weekend, He just kept speaking and affirming the calling He has placed on my life. Finally during the last session as we were singing "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me", I heard Him speak these words....
"I would rather you move forward holding my hand and fall then stay complacent and do nothing. At least if you fall while walking beside me, doing what I've called you to do, I am right there to pick you back up."
How do I know I can trust these words? Psalm 12:6 - "The words of the Lord are pure words. As silver tried in a furnace on the earth refined seven times." This has been source of strength for this year.
I don't feel adequate; I don't feel prepared and I'm scared half to death, BUT courage is not the absence of fear; it's doing it afraid. If He trusts me, I HAVE to trust me too. It's time for me to face my destiny and do what I was made for. Thank God I don't have to do this alone.
